...In 2010, I will begin entrenching myself in office. The first people rounded up will be Fifa delegates. They will be transported to Athlone Stadium where a crack team of dealers and pumped-up pimps will keep them under armed guard for the duration of the soccer World Cup.
This is to prevent them from taking over the country, as they have already made plain they intend doing.
I wish to place on record right now that Fifa's demands will not be met.
We will not be held hostage to terrorism, whether it comes attached to a football or a backpack full of Semtex.
Construction in the city will not grind to a halt.
Buildings will be torn down and roads will be dug up as usual. Workers will continue to lie about on grass verges drinking dangerously toxic umqomboti beer and urinating in public.
We will not put Eskom under any pressure to ensure a regular supply of electricity. If the power trips, matches will continue in the dark. In these cases, spectators will be allowed to open fire (handguns only) on the players.
There will be no special traffic access lanes for teams and officials. Everyone will be expected to meet the taxis head-on in our regular fight for survival.
Nobody, under pain of death, will force us to drink goat urine called Budweiser. Not while cold King Cobras are available. Anyone will be allowed to advertise anything. We will not capitulate to Fifa's drug-inspired demand that they take $3 billion home to Zurich after the event.